sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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