There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
