oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
