Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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