you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
