Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
