I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
