You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
