yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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