Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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