They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
