I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
