I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
