I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
