I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
