You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
where does the pee come out of this thing
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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