i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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