got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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