Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
