I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Congratulations! We have a period
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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