i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
