I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
