You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
