evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
