Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
