I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
