When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
