just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
