I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
