Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i now understand why vodka
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
