Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
