I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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