Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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