I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
