she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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