while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
