No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
