Someone shit on the floor
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
