I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
