last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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