hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
