bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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