You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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