EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
