Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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