He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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