explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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