my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
