she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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