he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
