Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
