I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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