I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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