new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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