K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
