i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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